Monday, June 27, 2011

The trouble with blogs and Justice for Caylee

When I started this blog, I had the idea that all I would write about was my experiences around losing my daughter and in the process, I would help grieving parents. I didn't think it was ok for me to write about anything else. I got to thinking about it long and hard, and mentioned it to my friend Matthew (a fellow Christian and Beatles fan), who also writes a blog. He reminded me that it was ok for me to write other things. Its a blog. I thought about what he said, and realized that no matter what I write about, I am still "wounded faithful" and still a grieving parent.
So I need to write as often as I can, and maybe some days I will just write about something else besides my experiences around losing Lauren. I think I can still achieve my goal yet exercise those writing muscles that have gone so long without being stretched.
What I wanted to talk about today is the Casey Anthony case. For me, and so many others, the death of that beautiful little girl at the hands of her mother, or someone else, is almost too much to take. The fact that the Anthony family waited 31 days to report the baby missing speaks volumes to me. The fact that the story of what happened to Caylee has changed several times speaks volumes to me, too. I think that all of the family is involved in this horrendous story in some way, and authorities should slap the cuffs on George, Cindy and Lee Anthony for, if nothing else, being accesories after the fact.
Here is what I think happened: I think probably Casey wanted to find a way to keep the baby quiet so she could do whatever it is that she does, and so she figured out how to make or buy cloroform so she could knock Caylee out and go out and have a good time. She overdosed Caylee (whether on purpose or accidentally is of no consequence to me) and then the family went into a panic. How do you explain that to the police, huh?
First she said the nanny took Caylee. Did Elizabeth Smart's parents wait 31 days to report Elizabeth missing? Then they said Caylee drowned accidentally? So you don't call 9-1-1 immediately to see if she can be revived? Wow, really? The Anthony family apparently thinks the people of the United States are as dumb and dysfunctional as they are.
The bottom line is this: this beautiful little girl is dead and deserves justice. Maybe Casey Anthony didn't mean to kill her, but I really believe she did it. I hope the forensics and everything else will prove that and she will be taken out of society. I am not advocating the death penalty, but I don't think she needs to live freely if she is guilty.
They suspended court on Saturday for a "legal matter" and who knows what that was? Let's see how this thing turns out.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

That empty feeling

One of the challenges I have found being a grieving parent is the profound emptiness I sometimes feel. My friend Mel put it best when she said, "We now all have a Lauren-shaped hole in our hearts that no one else can fill." I thought, "Yeah, that's right."

I mean I can be in a room full of people and still realize that empty feeling. I know Lauren is not there, whether I am with a room full of people I love, or a room full of people I barely know. I followed Ole Miss to back-to-back Cotton Bowls in 2009 and 2010 where there were literally thousands of people yet I felt that emptiness inside.

I struggle with this a lot. I wonder if the Lord understands my feeling of emptiness, when I am supposed to be filled up with Him. Is He angry at me for not recognizing that He is my all and for still feeling sad? I don't think so. I think He knows why I feel that way. I think He understands. He wept for his friend Lazarus like we weep for our lost loved ones. Yet, Christ raising Lazarus from the dead brings us the hope of resurrection and reconciliation with our loved ones.

The closest I come to complete fulfillment is during the Eucharistic celebration. At that moment of awe, I feel a sense of completeness that eludes me almost all the rest of the time. I am happiest at that moment, I think.

I will add one caveat to this post: In no way am I shortchanging the happiness I feel spending time with my husband, son and future daughter-in-law. I probably did not have to say that, but I will say it anyway. I love them with all my heart. But I loved Lauren too, and our separation is painful for me.

I know now that I can give this suffering to Jesus. He shares it with me.