A piercing of the heart

I don't understand how, but even after almost 14 years without Lauren, my heart is still an open wound. I talked about how having those granddaughters puts my heart back together, and it absolutely does. Have you ever broken a vase, and glued the parts back together? It is still not exactly right even if you can find all of the pieces and glue them back together carefully. It is still flawed.

I forget sometimes that it is actually still a flawed heart. I had to go to the bank a couple of weeks ago to get a document we needed for insurance. It was in our safe deposit box, so I went in on my lunch hour to grab it and go.

Looking through the box, I ran across Lauren's death certificate, right there among the other documents like our marriage certificate, the kids' birth certificates, etc. There it was. I resisted the temptation to read it front and back because I knew I would be ruined for the day, but just seeing the words "certificate of death" was enough to do the job. At that moment, I felt like someone had basically shot an arrow that went straight into my heart. I was angry with myself for feeling that way, but I just could not help it. It nearly made me double over in pain right there in the bank. Thank goodness you are left alone in that room to check your box. I think I probably looked like I was dying at that moment.

I stood there fighting back tears, feeling like my heart was literally broken again. I composed myself as best I could and after getting the document we needed, I went out into the bank lobby again, smiling and thanking the lady who had helped me. Once in the car, I cried for a few minutes and then went back to work, surprised at myself and how fragile I really am. I thought I was strong, but I guess I was fooling myself.

How after all these years, can this wound be that fresh? I just don't understand. That pain was as real as the day we lost her. It took me aback, and it has taken me a while to recover. I learned that I have to just realize that it is not going away. Ever. It is a part of me that is here to stay, until that day that I am no longer here to stay.

I have done a lot of thinking about it since then. I have been trying to lull myself into thinking that I could learn to live with my loss, but the truth is, I can't. I just have to take it day by day and deal with that heart piercing wound when it bursts open unexpectedly as it did that day.

November is a hard month, as it is Lauren's birthday and then you have Christmas coming soon. I will just have to soothe that wound with the salve that is given to me-my faith, my family and my friends.

 Blessed are they who mourn,  for they will be comforted. Comfort me, Lord.