My Joel

 Sept. 25, 2020: 

You left us today. I suspected you would, but I still wasn’t ready. I am still processing a world without you in it. My world has a little less light in it. You have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I don’t remember a world without you in it. My pre-Joel days just don’t exist. Your family was my family too, even though there was no blood shared (unless you count the blood of Christ). 

You and I were the third generation of Morris-Kerr friends. Your grandpa and my daddy; your dad and my brother and you and me. Last night, your sweet wife Pam messaged me that my son had sent your daughter a note to express his sorrow and love in your loss. That makes four generations, and I know you love that as much as I do. 

Where to begin, my friend? You and I were the best of friends growing up. I remember going to your house “in town” to play with you and Tammie and Eric. I was at Daddy’s gas station and I’d walk down the overhead bridge to your house for play time. We were little then. When y’all moved to the farm, I was so sad. I went to the high school and you were still at the grammar school. We met again in Music Appreciation class. Fitting place to reconnect, I think. 

Our high school crew could not have been closer. You, me, Rhonda and Donna sitting on the lawn, laughing and having a ball. Rhonda got married after high school, so you and Donna and I hung out when I was home in the summers from college. Riding all over the place in her white Camaro with ELO blasting. 

We drove my poor daddy crazy staying up all night playing “Aggravation,”  and singing gospel songs while you played the piano like a champ (oh, how I wish I had half your talent). Your poor mama (I loved her so) would fuss at us, because people in town might recognize that your car was at my house overnight! The problem was, we didn’t care. How many nights did we drive to any open convenience store to find a box of Banquet chicken that we could cook at 2 a.m.? Making biscuits and cooking chicken. We’d send your mama and daddy on a “date” and drag my daddy out to the farm to eat with your grandpa, Grayson, Tammie, Eric and us after we’d cooked up a storm. Course the biscuits for those meals had been made by the greatest biscuit maker of all time: your mother. 

My parents loved you and your parents loved me. Time moved on and I got married to my Richard, who learned to love you like a brother, as you did him. My kids loved their “Uncle Joel.”

Then you met your sweet Pam. I knew the moment I met her, she was perfect for you. I learned to love her and your Katie stole my heart the first time I held her in my arms as a tiny baby. 

There were periods of time (because of distance) that we did not see each other, but I always knew you were there. I’d think of you and you’d call me out of the blue. You’d be thinking of me, and I would text you. We got together as often as we could when I was home, but many times you’d tell me you just didn’t feel well enough. 

You are the greatest miracle I have ever known. You are proof that God is in control. You were dealt a terrible hand with your physical afflictions that would have taken many people down a long time ago, yet you persevered as best you could. God blessed you with tremendous talent and you gave that talent back through music for as long as you were able. You shared so much of yourself with others and anyone who met you was blessed. I know yesterday the first thing you heard was “Well done, thou good and faithful servant.” 

I prayed a novena of healing for you, asking for the intercession of Pope St. John Paul II. The first eight days, I prayed it before bed. On Sept. 24, I was led and prayed it in the middle of the day. I believe that was the day that you were taken off the vent and were able to acknowledge Pam and Katie that last time. I hope so. I hope God heard me and John Paul, who suffered terribly toward the end of his life, interceded for you. God did answer my prayer because you are healed. You are there with our loved ones now. I know that my Lauren was there to greet you with your parents, my parents, my brothers and my nephew Keith. So many were happy to see you, and you are well and restored in your new body now. 

You were my brother in Christ and my lifelong friend. You took me to the prom, you loved my children like they were your own. You cried with me when we lost our Lauren. You always made me laugh. We shared jokes and food and thoughts and prayers. You are in my heart and I know one day, I will see you again. Rest In Peace my sweet friend. My life has been blessed by you. Always, your coo. 

Navigating the Co-Vid Blues

When we moved to our new home in January, we never expected a pandemic to hit. We were looking forward to engaging in some activities at our new church and getting acclimated to our new town.

When the “shutdown” happened, we were thrown for a loop. We didn’t like not being able to go to mass and having to watch online. We longed to be able to receive the Eucharist in person. I will admit, I cried the first few times we watched online. When we were finally able to go back on Mother’s Day (which I considered a gift from Lauren) I didn’t care that we were outside and wearing a mask. As a matter of fact, masks don’t really bother me at all. We have been able to go to mass since then, and mask or no mask, nothing has made me happier.

It has been a heartbreaking experience for us, our kids who are trying to navigate working from home with the girls, and for our whole country. I hate seeing how all the small businesses have been affected, how people have lost their livelihoods and how much depression and suicide have escalated... I can’t stand how divided our country has become.

We have had some blessed moments. We had our Mother’s Day celebration at the kids’ house and it was wonderful. Vivian did her dance recital piece for the family and it was precious. We have had the kids a couple of days now to help out their parents, and that makes us happy. We want to be part of their young lives, and moving closer is really paying off. We had a get together for my daughter -in-law’s family that was a wonderful success.

In early July, around the time of our 38th wedding anniversary, we were able to take a trip to Florida with our kids. It was a great and much needed trip! So while having to miss Aunt Mary’s 90th birthday in Las Vegas in May was terrible, the trip with the kids was good.

We had my brother and sister in-law visiting us and my other sister in law came over too!

We are just trying to navigate the Co-Vid blues, just like everyone else.

Tomorrow is another day (and year)

Well, tomorrow marks 16 years since our beautiful Lauren went home. I miss her every moment of every day. It is not easy and it never will be, I am sure.

Last week, after we cleaned out our attic in our old home, so that the new tenants could move in, I went through and washed all of my kids' baby clothes so I could repack them. I got through that ok, but it is really hard to believe Lauren will be 35 this year. I wonder what type of woman my little girl would have turned out to be.

I am fairly certain, based on the fine man, husband and father that my son has become, she would be a valuable asset to our family and to society. She was a wonderful girl.

We were blessed with two of the best children anyone could ask for. They were the biggest blessings we ever had and now we just cherish the two grandchildren God has blessed us with.

Thank you Lord for our many blessings. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of these children's lives. Help us to be a positive, loving presence in our son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters’  lives. Amen

You do what you gotta do

Quarantine sucks. There I said it. Not being able to go to church, restaurants and stores is really not fun. Especially when we just missed the whole Holy Week and Easter celebrations. We had a trip to celebrate my husband’s aunt’s 90th birthday with his whole family set and that is off. We had a trip to the beach with my brother set and that is off. The world has turned into a crazy place. We can’t see friends, we have to stay 6 feet apart and have been wearing masks when we do go out. What on earth is going on? I have no answers to those questions, I just go along with the program.

On the plus side, we have gotten to spend time with the kids and grand kids. I think I would have gone crazy if not for that. We go walk at the park almost every day, so we are getting fresh air and exercise. We are pretty well settled in our new home and community. We like it here, and especially our church and our proximity to the kids. It has been good.

I still struggle with what Lauren might think about all this, but I feel like she would have been happy for us. I really do. I have to explain to everyone we meet that we lost a child, etc. but I am pretty used to that.

So, my excuse for not blogging? I have none.

So here are some pics that have made me pretty happy here lately.

All masked up at Lowe’s 

Easter Day! 

Took baths before our trip back home. 

Easter Egg hunt finds. 

When I’m 64

People have always told me that when you retire, you are busier than ever. They told me that and I frankly did not believe them. But well, here I am, not posting for months at a time. The truth is, we are relocating to be closer to the kids, and running back and forth from one house to the next from one state to another. It may or may not be a valid excuse, but we have been literally in the road for months.

I retired in June and we took a trip to see Richard’s family in July. Then I got back and my old boss needed help, so as soon as my 90 days were up, I started working part time for her. She has hired a young lady for my position now, so things are slowing down for them. Between all that we had the girls’ birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas and overseeing the building of our new house. So I guess I can slow down, once we get settled.

We “retired” from our music ministry at our old church and we are looking forward to “sitting in the pews” for a spell before we get back into something. We have been doing the music or 22 years and I feel like I need a little rest from that. I need a small sabbatical I think. 

This move has been more than emotionally draining for me and for Richard. I have cried more than I can tell you. Our son came for a last visit to the house this weekend, and he went through the attic and found some of his things. It was a big help to have him go through that stuff, but he found a note from his little sister, and I could not bring myself to read it. It is still stabbingly painful for me. I know Lauren would want us to be closer to her brother- not just for the kids, but for us too. We have no family where we live currently, and that makes you feel so isolated. It is an undertaking for our son to drag his whole family out to us and the same for us. It’s not really that far, but just far enough to be annoying as I always say. 

The area we are moving to is beautiful and about an hour from the kids. We will be able to help with them a lot more now that we are going to be closer. The church here is beautiful and the people there are very friendly. We have spent some time in the community and I think it is going to be a good fit for us. 

This is the year I turn 64. Maybe I will have slowed down a bit when I get there.