What I like about getting older

There are a lot of things I actually like about getting older. Of course, being a grandmother (Mimi) is the best thing. 

Other than that, I like the fact that I no longer worry about wearing fancy shoes. I'm in it for the comfort these days. I've found some really cute flats that feel really good. I don't worry about cute high heels and such, though.

I really like not having to worry about going to work every day. I thought I would miss it, but I actually don't miss deadlines and hassles. I really miss the people I worked with though. They were the best. The college where I worked was one big family, and I miss them and the fun we had. But working? Nope! 

I'm glad that I don't have to worry about dressing for work and also about wearing make up. MAKE-UP! I don't worry about it anymore. (unless I am going to church or somewhere dressed up and I will see people I have known for years) Vanity of Vanities, as they say! Seriously, though I adjusted the amount of make up I wear a while back based on an article I read about women over 60. The last thing I am looking for is to try to look inappropriately young. In other words, I think I would look like a clown at my age. 

But the upshot of it is, I am getting to be ok with who I am and my age in life (FINALLY!) 

The one thing I remember each day is that each day I live is one day closer to when I will be with my Lauren again. I am working hard (and slipping along the way) to make my way to heaven. It is a tough road, folks. I pray I can get there and be with her one day. 

So for now, I will take it one day at a time, enjoy my freedom (from work responsibilities), learn to love my new home and cherish my time with family. 

It’s been awhile...

 Ok, it’s been awhile I know. I am still trying to adjust to retired life I think. Retiring and then moving into a new house and community six months later took a toll on my husband and me I think. Especially when we moved everything ourselves. We had a little help from our son and a couple of friends, but the majority of it was completed by two 60-somethings. Not an easy task, by a long shot. 

I keep doing this don’t I? I write a blog post, stay away a long time, come back and make an excuse as to why I stayed away so long. Even I can see the pattern! All I can say is, I’m working on it. No promises, though. 

Tomorrow is 17 years since our Lauren went home to be with the Lord. I am (once again) on the struggle bus as it were. I guess I am a permanent passenger by this time. Tomorrow we will go to mass and then to our son’s for Mother’s Day. To see him and our girls is all a want for Mother’s Day. I have to hold my head up and enjoy what I have in this world and that is my husband, son, daughter-in-law and grand daughters. And that is more than a lot of folks have, so I will most definitely be thankful. 

Last time I was with Rosemary, my six-year old, she just asked point blank what happened to Lauren. I told her as gently as I could, while reassuring her that dying at 18 was not the rule, but the exception to the rule. I think she was ok with that answer. I don’t want her to worry about that. She did ask me if I would still be her Mimi when I went to heaven. I said, “Of course. I will always be your Mimi and love you with all my heart.” She liked that, I think. She tells me, “I love you, Mimi” uncoerced these days. 

Vivian has a way of comforting you by giving you the best hug any four-year old can offer. She just hangs onto you and lays her sweet head on your shoulder. She doesn’t say a word, just hangs on quietly for a while. She is the best balm for a broken heart. 

We are so grateful to be able to see them more often, and not be so far away from them. We try to help with them as much as we can. Spending time with them means more to us than just about anything else. I know Lauren would be madly in love with them. 

So tomorrow I will concentrate on my family, remembering my Lauren in my heart as I do every day of my life. I’ll pray that when my days finally come to an end, she will be waiting for me. 

Another Christmas without you

Here we are in 2021 and things are still in an uproar in our country and our world. Covid, the election, and what people like to call “social” media, which usually is anything but “social” in my opinion, are the trademarks of the day. The last few days of 2020 were really no better than the first few days of 2021. Still crazy. The only bright spot for a lot of folks was the Christmas holiday, I think (I hope). 

For me, it was just another Christmas without you here. It was our first Christmas in our new home. I had to completely rethink how I would use my Christmas decorations. It was stressful but fun. Downsizing puts a different spin on decorating. I was used to decorating an almost 3,000 sq.ft. home for 23 years, and here was with a closet full of decorations in a 1950 sq. ft.home. It was a challenge, and there were a few things I had to do without. 

The bright spot was being able to have the family come up on Christmas Eve Day to celebrate. The girls were in awe of the little Christmas tree in their room and even helped me take it down when they came to spend the night after New Year’s. Seeing them look at each little decoration and ask questions about where we got them was really wonderful. They loved their daddy’s and Aunt Lauren’s childhood decorations. They love learning things about their dad’s and Lauren’s childhoods. 

After Christmas, we did have my brother and sister-in-law visiting for a few days. It really was wonderful for us. 

Like I have said before, I can be in a stadium with 60,000 other people watching a ball game, and I know that Lauren is not there. I am never complete no matter where I am or what I am doing. I always feel the loss and I know after almost 17 years that I always will. Every holiday is bittersweet. I am so thankful for the blessing of being Mimi to two special little girls who help to fill that void. 

Tomorrow is another day (and year)

Well, tomorrow marks 16 years since our beautiful Lauren went home. I miss her every moment of every day. It is not easy and it never will be, I am sure.

Last week, after we cleaned out our attic in our old home, so that the new tenants could move in, I went through and washed all of my kids' baby clothes so I could repack them. I got through that ok, but it is really hard to believe Lauren will be 35 this year. I wonder what type of woman my little girl would have turned out to be.

I am fairly certain, based on the fine man, husband and father that my son has become, she would be a valuable asset to our family and to society. She was a wonderful girl.

We were blessed with two of the best children anyone could ask for. They were the biggest blessings we ever had and now we just cherish the two grandchildren God has blessed us with.

Thank you Lord for our many blessings. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of these children's lives. Help us to be a positive, loving presence in our son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters’  lives. Amen

Hard times are not forgotten...

It’s been a tough month so far. There have been wonderful things, and some not so easy things.

We celebrated Rosie’s 5th birthday this time. I am still in shock that she is already that big. We stayed with the kids for the birthday celebration, and when we are there, we sleep in Rosie’s room. That morning she popped up out of bed and said, “Mimi! It’s my birthday! I’m 5 years old!” She ran over to my bed and jumped in my arms to be held and cuddled. Those moments make life worth living.

We are getting ready to move closer to our kids, and I have been going through pictures again. I have a couple of picture projects brewing in this busy head of mine, and I know I will get them done as soon as it is possible. I found a picture of Lauren where she is wearing a beautiful red bow shaped like a rose in her hair. She and I both loved that bow so much.

I was cleaning out my nightstand and there it was... that beautiful bow. Seeing it in her hair on the photo and then seeing it in my hand was too much for me. Like I have described before, it is like being stabbed in the heart. I hurt all over and broke down crying. I know it is part of this whole process, but it does not make it any easier.

Sometimes I find myself saying things I should not say- something stupid or inappropriate for the situation I am in, and I just don’t know how it happens. I said something and immediately apologized and I think I was forgiven, but I couldn’t forgive myself so easily. I need to work on doing that better. In the scheme of things, it was just a stupid remark, but I hurt myself so deeply, because I felt so bad.

So I will concentrate on my sweet girl’s birthday, and how much I love them both. They are healing for me, as I have said before.

My sweet girls o their family birthday celebration. 

We love our big girl! 

It’s hard to say

I know I need to blog something, but I can’t think of anything to say. I am at a loss for words. Some days I can write and write, and other days I just can’t think of a thing to say.

We went to the wedding recently of Chloe, a young woman who had lost a brother and a sister. I did not know Jessica, her older sister, but she died in 2008, the year before I met TJ, her older brother. He was one of the students in our program where I work. TJ was a wonderful young man, and was destined to be a brilliant writer and journalist. He served as our college newspaper editor and was a great student and became a good friend. 

TJ never was able to get over his sister’s death I don’t believe. His loving parents tried their best to take care of him, but TJ ultimately died of an overdose. I had seen him a month before. He asked me for a letter to help with a job and he came into our office. I talked to him for at least and hour. He seemed happy and ready to move forward with his life. In a few weeks, he was gone. It was the last time I ever spoke to him. My heart was broken for Cholie and for her parents. 

We have become closer over the years and have comforted each other as best we can. His parents love their new son-in-law (a wonderful young man) and I am praying that they will be blessed with grandchildren like I have been. We were so glad to be a a part of the wedding celebrations, and to see some joy brought to this wonderful family. 

This photo of TJ at the wedding caught my eye and my heart. Rest well, sweet boy. 

Just been out of sorts a bit lately

Getting old is the pits. There I have gone and said it. And not only getting old, but struggling with my new found friend Hashimoto's has made me feel out of sorts for the last few months. I have had hypothyrodism for several years, and have now been diagnosed with Hash'is. I also have another "friend" who causes me a bit of aggravation, and that is my elevated left  hemi-diaphragm.

This whole mess started when I went to a "wellness" visit last December. They saw something on my chest X-Ray that caused them to pull me aside and put me in a room where being frightened out of my wits, I thought I must be dying. I have been to a pulmonologist (lungs are fine) who sent me to a bariatric surgeon, because she was convinced I had a hiatal hernia and my intestines were stuck up in my diaphragm. The bariatric surgeon sent me for some (awful) tests which determined I had no hiatal hernia, but I do have moderate acid reflux (which I knew and was being treated for already). Now the bariatric surgeon has sent me to a thoracic surgeon, who I will see at the beginning of August. He'll talk to me about my elevated diaphragm and what can or cannot be done about it. The diaphragm causes me to be short of breath a lot of the time, and I am even prepared to tell him when I think it happened. In the midst of all of this my endocrinologist is monitoring my thyroid, which has some small nodules on it apparently. And to think, I knew none of this until I went to a wellness visit. SIGH.

I have been trying to keep my head up and ask God for grace, wisdom and understanding (not patience) throughout this whole ordeal. I could be a lot worse off, and I know that. The Hashi's makes me hyper-sensitive at times, where I get my feelings hurt easily or get angry about stupid things very  quickly. One Facebook group I am in has helped me tremendously - I hear other people relate the same things. I am trying to maintain my diet and exercise regimen. I don't get too caught up in all of the different diets and do and don’ts because it stresses me out too much. Since I was diagnosed with Hashi's I have cut back on gluten and carbs, and have lost about 12 lbs. 

Being hypersensitive is not good for grieving mothers. I have cried more in the last 6 months than I have in forever. Most days, I feel like I cannot express myself without making someone mad, or hurting someone's feelings or just feeling like it is the end of the world. I am not depressed, I just feel overly sensitive most of the time. For me, this is really hard, because I have always been sensitive, especially if I thought I hurt someone. I worry about that more than just about anything. I have always hated conflict, and I think I always will. 

I recognize my own ability to overcome that feeling by focusing on the positive, praying and getting up and out of my routine. Walking and praying seems to be a good cure. I think I have prayed the Our Father, Hail Mary and the Fatima Prayer more in the last six months than I ever have. 

I am hoping to get the diaphragm issue resolved one way or the other in August. I'll either get it fixed (if it is not too invasive) or live with it. The Hashi's is here to stay. You just have to manage it. 

"Do not be saddened this day, for rejoicing in the LORD is your strength!”

My tears were for her, too

Father's Day dinner 

We've been a bit distracted for the past couple of weeks with doctor's appointments and a rotator cuff surgery for my husband. I've been trying to take care of him the best I can and work at the same time. He is a real trooper and has been very patient with me, and together we have gotten him back on the road to recovery. He's pretty athletic and very strong and that does help in a situation like this.

The granddaughters have been really concerned that Grandpa (Pacca) is ok and through a couple of FaceTime visits, I think they are reassured that his "boo boo" is getting better.

We went on Saturday to the Baddour Center, a wonderful place in our community. It is a home for adults with special needs. They have a great nursery where we always try to buy flowers to plant around our home each spring. We are a bit behind due to the above-mentioned surgery, so it was great to get over there for some petunias that we put out on Saturday (My husband used his good arm to plant).

Jennifer, a casual friend of mine that I know from our small town, works there in the nursery. She and her husband have a boy and a girl just like us. Their children are a bit younger than ours, so we did not really know them as school friends. I met her several years ago when she worked at a favorite shop of mine. She helped us when my daughter-in -law Anna picked out items for her bridal register in that shop.

She was there on Saturday and came out to help us. She said, "I've been thinking of you guys lately." She went on to tell us that her 28-year-old son had passed away on Thanksgiving last year. I was shocked to my very core. He had only been married for 7 weeks, and he succumbed to a massive heart attack.

My heart shattered for her at that moment. I could see the pain in her eyes. Pain that I know first hand radiated from her. I wept right there in the middle of all of those flowers. My tears were for that young widow, his sister and father and most of all for Jennifer. I know her journey all too well. I had no words to say to comfort her, because there are none.

So I listened to her. Richard and I just listened to her and let her tell us how she was coping and what she was doing, and how things were going. That is all anyone can do. We talked about our experiences and she related that she had just moved to our town and it was her first Sunday at her church the day Lauren died. She told us how many people in that church were openly praying for us. She didn't know us then, but she prayed for us too. I have prayed for her every day since then.

I only had one piece of advice I could give her: "Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve."

That is the worst thing you can do to a parent who has lost a child. Just listen and let them go through the process. Don't tell them it will be ok, because it really won't. Not really, ever again. It is just a new normal. That is all.

Our true comfort comes from God.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted. 


To find out more about The Baddour Center visit www.baddour.org

A pot full of love

Mother’s Day has come and gone again. We did something a little different this year, and traveled to my son’s house. Our little grand daughter Rosemary had a couple of “programs” that we needed to be there for. Her T.O.T. (Teams of Tomorrow) ball demonstration was on Saturday. She was super cute doing her dribbling and bouncing, and was genuinely happy to get her little trophy.  Sunday, she sang at church with her little choir. Both times, she did great!

She was surrounded by family who love her. I couldn’t help but think how proud Lauren would have been to see Rosie up there, looking like her daddy and participating in these little events.

Both of our girls were precious and we are so blessed to have them in our lives. I pray for them every night and thank God for them every day.

We will plug along as best we can and make the best of the days we have with these girls. Here are some weekend memories and a sweet gift from my girls.

A thought for grieving parents as we approach Year 14

Our Lauren will be gone 14 years tomorrow. This time of year is tough for me. She was getting ready to graduate from high school in 2004, and had done all the work for college at Ole Miss. She was so excited to be over there with her brother. But that was not to be. The three of us, her dad, her brother and I suffered that loss together, and still to this day, the pain is always there in our family. We will go to our son's house this weekend and celebrate Mother's Day with our little grand daughters who never had the chance to meet their lovely aunt, but she will be present in my heart and in my thoughts, as she always is. 

The song, "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow" has been my theme song these past few days. 

Rest well, my sweet girl, and know that your mama remembers and loves you every minute of every day. 

The hope that we cling to

When First Lady Barbara Pierce Bush passed away, many of those who remembered this gracious lady were saddened for her husband and the rest of their big family. Mrs. Bush was a personal hero of mine. I admired her wittiness, her devotion to her family and her fierce support of her husband. She truly embodied what I always thought a wife and mother should be.

“Never lose sight of the fact that the most important yardstick of your success will be how you treat other people - your family, friends, and coworkers, and even strangers you meet along the way,” she once said. I fall short of this every day, but I try. I equate this with the kind of love we as Christians are supposed to exhibit. 

While Mrs. Bush could wax philosophical, she could also get straight to the point: “People who worry about their hair all the time, frankly, are boring.” A lady after my own heart. 

She and I had something in common that made me look up to her and I will venture to say to love her. She knew what it was to lose a child. She faced the same struggles that I and other grieving parents have faced. She never forgot her Robin- all of the fame, fortune and political success could not change the love she had for her little girl and the grief that she lived with from that loss. 

A wonderful cartoonist here in Mississippi, Marshall Ramsey, has captured the hope that we as grieving parents feel - the hope that we will be reunited with our beloved children. I have had the honor to meet Marshall and to hear him speak at a couple of events I have been at. He has a penchant for getting to the heart of the matter. His cartoons capture things right where they are. 

This particular cartoon has gone viral, and even members of Mrs. Bush’s family have seen it and commented on it, thanks to social media. So kudos to you, Marshall! And thank you. 

The things that are seemingly insignificant can be the worst

Last week, my husband and I went to buy a new washer and dryer, since our washer had gone kaput.

We were driving around and we drove by the  the Old Navy where Lauren had gone that last week. It was a weird thing. She had a little job and wanted to go and buy some things for the summer. I offered to go with her and she said that was ok, she just wanted to go alone. That hurt me a little then, because my girl was growing up, but if someone had shot me in the heart with an arrow the other day when I saw that Old Navy, it would not have hurt any less than the pain I felt right at that moment.

It's crazy how something that insignificant can tear your heart into, even after all these years. I feel like I keep repeating this over and over on this blog, but I feel like it is a way for people to understand the pain that losing your child can bring.

It is unlike any pain we might endure - labor pain, losing your parents and/or siblings, having a cut finger, having someone deceive you, losing in love... It seems none of that compares to this, in my mind.

It's a sharp pain, that causes you to double over, like your heart has broken literally. The tears jump to your eyes, and you cannot breathe. The worst part is, you know other people never understand it. They think you should be better by now. Not gonna happen, I guess.

What to do? I hang on to my faith for dear life. I try to keep my head up. I think of my son, daughter-in- law and my grandchildren, and how blessed I am to have them. I think of how I may be hurting my husband when I fall apart. I chastise myself for not being stronger. All of that happens in a matter of seconds.

It is coming on to May, and this year it will be 14 years. 14 years of pain. It is almost too hard to bear sometimes.

I will not give up, though. That pain means she is still in my heart and with me all the time.  I will embrace it, as surely as I would embrace her if she were here. I will love her dad and her brother and his family like she would have. I can do that for her, and for myself.

My big baby girl

President’s Day was a long weekend for us so we went to visit the grand babies and their parents. (You notice I am thinking more and more like a grandparent.)

Anyway, visiting with them always does our hearts good, and this time Rosemary (our 3 year old) was not feeling great, and was struggling with a little cold, but other than that, all was well.

I started to realize just how grown up Rosie is. I feel like sometimes I am a little behind in realizing how they are maturing. Vivian is in that stage where she loves to hang on to me. When we got to their day care, I waved at her through the window in the door, and she nearly broke her neck getting to me. She got in my arms, laid her little head on my shoulder and did not move all through us going to the gym where Rosie was playing, visiting Rosie’s class for a “tour” and getting to the car. She wasn’t asleep, she just wanted Mimi to hold her.

Rosie, on the other hand, is Miss Independent right now. I used to be sad that she didn’t ask to be held or come up and hug me all the time like she did when she was smaller, but once I relaxed, she came to me on her own time. She gave me a hug and kiss when we got there, but she is her own little person and likes to be independent. She is dressing herself, and putting on her own shoes. I am so proud of her.

Now if I am sitting on the couch, Rosie will come up and climb onto my lap while watching TV. She wants to be close to me I think, but when she wants to. I love that she is growing and maturing, but I will always miss her being my first grand baby.

She is so sweet, that when she brought down her own little dress up costume from her closet, she thought to bring one for her sister too. When they changed costumes the next day, Vivian ran out and got her own.

She really does show an incredible amount of patience with her baby sister  to only be 3 herself.

I’m going to do with these two what I TRIED to do with my own: Enjoy all of their phases!

Mothering my way

Late last year I wrote about the "purple flowers" incident, when I did not get flowers for Lauren for Advent. This time I made sure I got them for Lent. My dilemma was what to do for January. The weather had been so bad that I left her Christmas flowers on her grave way past Epiphany, and then a third of the month was gone. 

I went to the store to get her flowers and decided that I would get pink roses and Valentine's stuff since Lent begins on Valentine's Day this year (thanks, Year B).  I will keep the Valentine's stuff on there and then switch to my purple Lent flowers for March. (I better get to the store for Easter Lilies pretty soon, I guess.) 

It seems a trifle to other people I am sure, when I worry about what is on her grave. But for me it is really important. One of her friends once told me that this was my way of "mothering" her. I guess that is right. The thought of her grave having no flowers on it to show our love and how much we miss her is really distressing to me. So as long as I am physically and mentally able, I will go there and "mother" her in this way. 

I will also try to "mother" (honor) her by being a good wife to her father, a good mother to her brother, a good mother-in-law to her sister-in-law and a good grandmother to her nieces. I'll try to be there when her scholarship recipients are honored, so that she can be remembered. 

New pink flowers for Valentine's Day took the place of the old Christmas ones. As my daughter-in-law said, "Days are long, but years are fast." One day when I can no longer bring her flowers, I hope I will be with her instead. 

Prayer request: Three teenagers were killed over the weekend in my home county in South Carolina. I would ask for prayers for their families and friends, and most especially their parents. 

Prayers for Charner, Krislyn and Hunter. 

Eternal rest, grant unto them, O Lord

and let perpetual light shine upon them.

May they rest in peace. Amen.

May their souls and the souls of all the faithful departed,

through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

Amen.

It must be nice to always be right

I guess I am having my own "pity party" today or something.

For the last couple of days, I've been called out and corrected by people who are 25, 30 and 40 years younger than me.

Seems here lately everything I say or do is wrong. I am the oldest person in my office, yet I have nothing to offer or contribute to this place these days. It is quite disconcerting sometimes to realize I had lived a whole life before some of these people were even born. It doesn't seem to matter though.

I try to contribute in meetings or other discussions, only to get shot down or interrupted like what I have to say is not important. Maybe it's NOT important any more.

If you are older, you are disposable in this society.  I am passe', I guess.

These are the kind of days I wish my daughter was still here. I think at 32, she would be a mature young woman who could maybe help me navigate this new place I find myself in. I miss having a mother and a daughter, really.

I think I will follow that old adage I once learned: "My tongue within my lips I rein, for who talks much must talk in vain."

End of rant.

Another sweet gift

My daughter-in-law Anna is a very thoughtful young lady. She does a great job of including us (even though we are a little distance from them) in all of the girls' activities, etc.  We visit with each other as often as we can but, thank goodness for FaceTime and texts.

We are able to enjoy their little stages as if we lived next door. It means a lot to their Grandpa and me to be included in their lives. As I have stated in the past, these little girls are medicine to our hearts and salves to our souls. I just hope that I was half as good a daughter-in-law to my in-laws as Anna is turning out to be to us. She is a great wife to our son, and a wonderful mother to her girls. Motherhood has come quite naturally to Anna and she really loves it, I can tell.

In the past she has given us little homemade gifts from the girls. Those gifts mean more to me than she will ever know.  I have everything I could ever need materially speaking, and these little things are more precious to me than gold.

I don't think she is making a special effort in this because we lost Lauren, I just believe it is her own sweet nature. She has two wonderful parents and family who molded her into the great young woman she is today. But she is not insensitive to our loss; she has been a good listener to our son when he shares his grief with her, as she has with us. I truly believe Lauren would have loved her sister-in-law and her little nieces. I know she would be as proud of her brother and the great husband and father he has become as we are.

This year for Christmas, she gave us a wooden plaque from the girls that she painted and put the word "Love" on using the girls handprint and footprints. The "o" in love is made by Rosemary's little hand and the "v" is made, most appropriately I might add, by Vivian's little feet.

It hangs proudly in our den, where we spend most of our time. Thank you Anna for your lovely present and your lovely presence in our family.

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

We just saw our kids off on their way back to Birmingham after a wonderful late Christmas celebration. We had our family celebration over the New Year's weekend, due to Christmas Day being on Monday this year. We decided to make our Christmas the long weekend.

The girls loved their bike and trike, and all the lovely little things they got. Anna gave us a little homemade gift: A wooden plaque that spells out the word "Love" with Rosie's hand print as the O and Vivian's feet prints as the "V." It is so precious! I am looking for a place to hang it up right now. She is such a thoughtful young woman, and makes those precious gifts that mean so much to me as their grandmother. My son truly lucked out when he found our Anna.

During mass this past Sunday, the girls wanted to be with Mimi and Grandpa, who just happen to be the church musicians. At one point, Vivian was very unhappy in her pew, and managed to climb on my lap while I was playing a song. She just sat there leaning her head on my shoulder, and I played on. Rosie went up with the other kids when Father Thi called them to the altar, and gave me the thumbs up to let me know she was ok. She ended up letting me hold her while we sang a song, so she helped us sing at the front of the church. I like that they are involved in the music. They both seem to be fascinated with my piano at home, so I hope they will follow in our footsteps and be singers and players.

We rang in the New Year with Aaron and Anna, and after lunch today, they packed up to go home. Rosie asked to "hold me" (for me to pick her up) and she said, "I'm going to miss you, Mimi!" If only she knew what she does for her Mimi's heart!

Here are some of our weekend pictures!

Go where you wanna go

We're doing the usual Christmas stuff. It just hit me that we are going to the places we went with Lauren again and again. I got a knot in my stomach just thinking about it right now. How do you escape from this? Move away and never come back? That doesn't sound practical! And what would happen to all our memories? It's the pain that keeps coming back, but it keeps her with me. It hurts me to go to places she went to and it hurts me to go places she's never been. So... I think I'll leave well enough alone and live with these twinges of pain when they come. It's better than never having any memories and never feeling her presence with me. I do feel her when I think of those memories and that is perfectly ok.

I couldn't find any purple flowers

Usually I try to put flowers for the liturgical season on Lauren's grave. I had some fall flowers with leaves and acorns that I put there in the beginning of October and thought, "I'll get some purple flowers for Advent."

Now Advent is pretty short this year for some reason. I thought I had plenty of time, but with folks coming for Thanksgiving, work, church, gym and football season, I let it get away from me.

I live in a small town with limited access to artificial flowers. I thought I was being smart by getting her Christmas flowers when they first came out. No purple flowers in either store I looked in at the beginning of Advent, though.

For some reason, this is bothering me. I know it is not important in the scheme of things, but I feel like I have let her down.

I'll make sure I get her flowers for Lent.

Even Christmas cards can be tough

I used to send a newsy Christmas card every year-full of all the things my kids were doing, and how busy our lives were. I think people enjoyed getting them, or at least I hope they did.

When we lost Lauren, I stopped doing that. I just couldn't do it anymore. I sent a card and tried to put a small note in it to people, but the wind had been knocked out of me, so I am sure my scrawly handwriting was probably not appreciated much.

Aaron grew up, and was gone and Richard and I had an empty nest. Not much to say in a quiet house sometimes. At least not many interesting things to say, in my mind.

I've come to grips with the newsletter thing now, but this year I decided to try something new. I got one of those pre-printed "photo" cards and Anna and Aaron were generous enough to let us put the grand babies on it. Now, over the years, friends and family have sent us pictures with their great-looking grandchildren, and I was always a bit envious, I must say.

So I decided to ask our kids if we could join in the fun. They said yes, so I found a design I liked with a religious theme, and set to work to get a photo of those two jewels. Over Thanksgiving, the girls dressed in the matching Christmas dresses we bought for them; we set them on our knees in front of our fireplace and Anna snapped a few good pics of us.

We are aware the dressing alike phase will pass quickly as they emerge into the little personalities they are destined to be, so we are enjoying this little phase, too. It did both of us good to think all the people on our Christmas card list will get a stunning photo of the girls and a pretty good photo of the old folks this year.

Rosie is getting to the age when Christmas is going to be fun again, and we can't wait to see how she enjoys all the little things about the season and what Santa gives her. We're excited about the gifts we have bought for both girls, and to see their little eyes light up gives me new hope.

For now, enjoy with us, these little blessings....