Another Christmas without you

Here we are in 2021 and things are still in an uproar in our country and our world. Covid, the election, and what people like to call “social” media, which usually is anything but “social” in my opinion, are the trademarks of the day. The last few days of 2020 were really no better than the first few days of 2021. Still crazy. The only bright spot for a lot of folks was the Christmas holiday, I think (I hope). 

For me, it was just another Christmas without you here. It was our first Christmas in our new home. I had to completely rethink how I would use my Christmas decorations. It was stressful but fun. Downsizing puts a different spin on decorating. I was used to decorating an almost 3,000 sq.ft. home for 23 years, and here was with a closet full of decorations in a 1950 sq. ft.home. It was a challenge, and there were a few things I had to do without. 

The bright spot was being able to have the family come up on Christmas Eve Day to celebrate. The girls were in awe of the little Christmas tree in their room and even helped me take it down when they came to spend the night after New Year’s. Seeing them look at each little decoration and ask questions about where we got them was really wonderful. They loved their daddy’s and Aunt Lauren’s childhood decorations. They love learning things about their dad’s and Lauren’s childhoods. 

After Christmas, we did have my brother and sister-in-law visiting for a few days. It really was wonderful for us. 

Like I have said before, I can be in a stadium with 60,000 other people watching a ball game, and I know that Lauren is not there. I am never complete no matter where I am or what I am doing. I always feel the loss and I know after almost 17 years that I always will. Every holiday is bittersweet. I am so thankful for the blessing of being Mimi to two special little girls who help to fill that void. 

Whew! We made it!

Well, another Christmas has come and gone and we made it through. That is 14 Christmases without Lauren, but the last seven have been better for us, since we gained a daughter-in-law and two granddaughters.

We made a trip to South Carolina and were happy to see and visit with our family and some dear friends. We really had a great time!

On the way back, stopped by the kids' house just in time to see our granddaughters playing with the gifts Santa had left for them and it was a wonderful time!

Our Christmas with the kids included a trip to our new trampoline park here in our hometown, where the girls had a ball. (I think their parents liked it pretty well too.)

For the last part of my time off, I decided to take on a project I had started and abandoned shortly after Lauren's death- I wanted to get our family photos organized. I am way behind in categorizing and putting them into albums, and that is one of my retirement "dream" projects-to get them into some semblance of order for my son and granddaughters to have in the future.

I had earlier abandoned this project because I think I started it too soon. It was extremely painful to look at photos of Lauren then, and it is not much easier now. I basically had to talk myself into it, and once I started, I was able to get through it. My husband, who recently retired, was with me this time, and we enjoyed looking at photos as I got them into their initial categories, so that I could put them into tubs, and later I will go back and really get them organized.

We laughed at a lot of the memories that came back, "marveled" over our hairstyles and clothes from the past, remembered family members who are no longer with us, paused over friends we have lost touch with and looked with wonder at our beautiful children as they grew and matured in these photos. I won't say there were not tears. There certainly were and I am sure there always will be.

I decided to share a few photos on this blog post. Looking forward to being able to share these photos with Rosemary and Vivian someday in the future.

I almost forgot what it was like to be a young mother.

One of my favorite photos of my Lauren and Aaron

Me at 16 practicing the piano at my childhood home.

My Rosie helping me sing "Silent Night" at mass this Christmas season. Behind
us is my son in the Communion line, getting a blessing for Vivian. 

I guess "Frank" and I were on a date back in the day. 

Mothering my way

Late last year I wrote about the "purple flowers" incident, when I did not get flowers for Lauren for Advent. This time I made sure I got them for Lent. My dilemma was what to do for January. The weather had been so bad that I left her Christmas flowers on her grave way past Epiphany, and then a third of the month was gone. 

I went to the store to get her flowers and decided that I would get pink roses and Valentine's stuff since Lent begins on Valentine's Day this year (thanks, Year B).  I will keep the Valentine's stuff on there and then switch to my purple Lent flowers for March. (I better get to the store for Easter Lilies pretty soon, I guess.) 

It seems a trifle to other people I am sure, when I worry about what is on her grave. But for me it is really important. One of her friends once told me that this was my way of "mothering" her. I guess that is right. The thought of her grave having no flowers on it to show our love and how much we miss her is really distressing to me. So as long as I am physically and mentally able, I will go there and "mother" her in this way. 

I will also try to "mother" (honor) her by being a good wife to her father, a good mother to her brother, a good mother-in-law to her sister-in-law and a good grandmother to her nieces. I'll try to be there when her scholarship recipients are honored, so that she can be remembered. 

New pink flowers for Valentine's Day took the place of the old Christmas ones. As my daughter-in-law said, "Days are long, but years are fast." One day when I can no longer bring her flowers, I hope I will be with her instead. 

Prayer request: Three teenagers were killed over the weekend in my home county in South Carolina. I would ask for prayers for their families and friends, and most especially their parents. 

Prayers for Charner, Krislyn and Hunter. 

Eternal rest, grant unto them, O Lord

and let perpetual light shine upon them.

May they rest in peace. Amen.

May their souls and the souls of all the faithful departed,

through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

Amen.

Year B is riding the struggle bus

I am on the struggle bus this week. Last weekend I ran to Birmingham for an overnight trip to check on our condo, which is now getting ready to be put on the market. Our tenants, who were international students from Saudi Arabia, moved back to their country. We decided to sell instead of rent again. They have been renting for four years, and we feel like we are ready to get rid of the condo now.

I ran over on Friday to check out the condo (code for "to see the grand babies") and came back the next day. I started trying to put my house back in order from the holidays on Saturday evening, and got up Sunday to play at our 8 am mass, go to the grocery and then came home to take down Christmas decorations and put them away, which took me until the evening. I have to say, I am sore all over and worn out.

Last Sunday we celebrated Epiphany, even though it was technically the day before (thanks, Bishops). I get to mass to set up my music, and someone is trying to figure out the readings and set up the book.  Father is not yet there to clear up the confusion.

They are complaining that they can't find them. I say, "It's Epiphany." (And, I don't play for the mass every Sunday of my life, so I wouldn't know).

She says, "I think it is the 2nd Sunday after Christmas." I said, "Yes, but we are celebrating Epiphany today. The Bishops have decided to celebrate it today instead of yesterday. It's Year B, so look up Epiphany and you will find the readings listed in the missal today."

She finally finds them and some guy who gets to church early every week, and who was obviously eavesdropping, says, "Epiphany is January 6. Today is January 7."  SIGH...

Year B is going to wear me out. I just know it. We already had the debacle of Christmas Eve being the 4th Sunday of Advent, and whether or not Jan. 1 was a holy day of obligation this year. Now I find out Ash Wednesday is on Valentine's Day and Easter is on April Fool's. Go away, Year B.

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time

We just saw our kids off on their way back to Birmingham after a wonderful late Christmas celebration. We had our family celebration over the New Year's weekend, due to Christmas Day being on Monday this year. We decided to make our Christmas the long weekend.

The girls loved their bike and trike, and all the lovely little things they got. Anna gave us a little homemade gift: A wooden plaque that spells out the word "Love" with Rosie's hand print as the O and Vivian's feet prints as the "V." It is so precious! I am looking for a place to hang it up right now. She is such a thoughtful young woman, and makes those precious gifts that mean so much to me as their grandmother. My son truly lucked out when he found our Anna.

During mass this past Sunday, the girls wanted to be with Mimi and Grandpa, who just happen to be the church musicians. At one point, Vivian was very unhappy in her pew, and managed to climb on my lap while I was playing a song. She just sat there leaning her head on my shoulder, and I played on. Rosie went up with the other kids when Father Thi called them to the altar, and gave me the thumbs up to let me know she was ok. She ended up letting me hold her while we sang a song, so she helped us sing at the front of the church. I like that they are involved in the music. They both seem to be fascinated with my piano at home, so I hope they will follow in our footsteps and be singers and players.

We rang in the New Year with Aaron and Anna, and after lunch today, they packed up to go home. Rosie asked to "hold me" (for me to pick her up) and she said, "I'm going to miss you, Mimi!" If only she knew what she does for her Mimi's heart!

Here are some of our weekend pictures!

Go where you wanna go

We're doing the usual Christmas stuff. It just hit me that we are going to the places we went with Lauren again and again. I got a knot in my stomach just thinking about it right now. How do you escape from this? Move away and never come back? That doesn't sound practical! And what would happen to all our memories? It's the pain that keeps coming back, but it keeps her with me. It hurts me to go to places she went to and it hurts me to go places she's never been. So... I think I'll leave well enough alone and live with these twinges of pain when they come. It's better than never having any memories and never feeling her presence with me. I do feel her when I think of those memories and that is perfectly ok.

Even Christmas cards can be tough

I used to send a newsy Christmas card every year-full of all the things my kids were doing, and how busy our lives were. I think people enjoyed getting them, or at least I hope they did.

When we lost Lauren, I stopped doing that. I just couldn't do it anymore. I sent a card and tried to put a small note in it to people, but the wind had been knocked out of me, so I am sure my scrawly handwriting was probably not appreciated much.

Aaron grew up, and was gone and Richard and I had an empty nest. Not much to say in a quiet house sometimes. At least not many interesting things to say, in my mind.

I've come to grips with the newsletter thing now, but this year I decided to try something new. I got one of those pre-printed "photo" cards and Anna and Aaron were generous enough to let us put the grand babies on it. Now, over the years, friends and family have sent us pictures with their great-looking grandchildren, and I was always a bit envious, I must say.

So I decided to ask our kids if we could join in the fun. They said yes, so I found a design I liked with a religious theme, and set to work to get a photo of those two jewels. Over Thanksgiving, the girls dressed in the matching Christmas dresses we bought for them; we set them on our knees in front of our fireplace and Anna snapped a few good pics of us.

We are aware the dressing alike phase will pass quickly as they emerge into the little personalities they are destined to be, so we are enjoying this little phase, too. It did both of us good to think all the people on our Christmas card list will get a stunning photo of the girls and a pretty good photo of the old folks this year.

Rosie is getting to the age when Christmas is going to be fun again, and we can't wait to see how she enjoys all the little things about the season and what Santa gives her. We're excited about the gifts we have bought for both girls, and to see their little eyes light up gives me new hope.

For now, enjoy with us, these little blessings....