Hard times are not forgotten...

It’s been a tough month so far. There have been wonderful things, and some not so easy things.

We celebrated Rosie’s 5th birthday this time. I am still in shock that she is already that big. We stayed with the kids for the birthday celebration, and when we are there, we sleep in Rosie’s room. That morning she popped up out of bed and said, “Mimi! It’s my birthday! I’m 5 years old!” She ran over to my bed and jumped in my arms to be held and cuddled. Those moments make life worth living.

We are getting ready to move closer to our kids, and I have been going through pictures again. I have a couple of picture projects brewing in this busy head of mine, and I know I will get them done as soon as it is possible. I found a picture of Lauren where she is wearing a beautiful red bow shaped like a rose in her hair. She and I both loved that bow so much.

I was cleaning out my nightstand and there it was... that beautiful bow. Seeing it in her hair on the photo and then seeing it in my hand was too much for me. Like I have described before, it is like being stabbed in the heart. I hurt all over and broke down crying. I know it is part of this whole process, but it does not make it any easier.

Sometimes I find myself saying things I should not say- something stupid or inappropriate for the situation I am in, and I just don’t know how it happens. I said something and immediately apologized and I think I was forgiven, but I couldn’t forgive myself so easily. I need to work on doing that better. In the scheme of things, it was just a stupid remark, but I hurt myself so deeply, because I felt so bad.

So I will concentrate on my sweet girl’s birthday, and how much I love them both. They are healing for me, as I have said before.

My sweet girls o their family birthday celebration. 

We love our big girl! 

A lot has happened

A lot has happened since retirement came around. We took a trip to Las Vegas to visit family and then came straight back to make a run to Birmingham to take care of our girls. They had a couple of days off from school and we went to take care of them. We celebrated our “Baby Shark” Vivian’s third birthday at the park and she started into her 3K program. Rosemary still has a while before her 5K program starts so we took care of her on the next Monday. She is now visiting with her other grandparents each day until school starts.

When people told me that you were busy during retirement, I did not believe them. RT and I are running around like chickens with our heads cut off, as they say here in the South. We are working on moving nearer to the kids, selling one house and building another. It brings a lot of stress, but as he tells me, “Enjoy the process.”

I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings about moving, but every time we visit our new town, I like it more. There is a lovely church here, that I think we will fit into just fine. I have worried about not being near Lauren’s grave, but I know I can go back to visit it as often as I like. After all, she is really not there. I will make sure it is taken care of, but I will bring her here with me. She is in my heart and no move or relocation can change that fact.

I am looking forward to being in a church where there are activities I can take part in and also have time to explore. I feel like being close to Aaron and his girls helps a lot. I know being able to watch them in their little school plays, dance recitals, church events and sports outings will be really good for us. I am really enjoying being a grandparent!

So, here are some photos of our recent goings on.
From our Las Vegas trip:

Richard, his brothers and their childhood friend, Rob

Siblings and in-laws

Clubhouse gals

Our precious 3 yr old!

My sweet Rosemary.

Ready or not

Well, retirement time has come and gone. The first week was a bit surreal, because the college where I worked was off for summer break, and I guess I would have been too.

Now I am home. Got my first retirement check and am looking forward to my first SS check. It is hard to believe it is here already.

I am not the “peanuts and punch” kind of gal, so no formal reception was held for me, per my own wishes. People asked if it could be done, but I said emphatically “No!” I had a taste of “being the center of attention” when Lauren died here in this small town and that was plenty enough for me.

Some people gave me small gifts anyway, and I graciously accepted them. I did go to lunch with my coworkers and another friend held a small lunch for us at her home. I had cake and coffee in a department I had worked closely with. So thank you notes have been sent and I am on to the next phase.

I had a nice dinner with my own family, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

For now, enjoy the photos...

Lunch with the crew

Dinner with the family

Lunch at a friend’s house

Just around the corner

Well, I'm 13 days away from retirement, and I couldn't be happier.  It is bittersweet, but to tell the truth, I am pretty tired and ready to enjoy myself.

I can't wait to NOT be overworked and expected to be on a deadline all the time. I am really tired of deadlines. They run my life.

I will miss my co-workers and the camaraderie with them, but I sincerely probably won't miss the work too much. I really love to write, but I want to write what I want to write.

I will really enjoy being able to go to Birmingham to see the girls when we get ready to, and not having to worry about "personal days" because every day will be a personal day!

So here's to retirement, and to our next step in the journey of life. Maybe I can do some of the volunteer work I have wanted to do, and maybe I can actually explore genealogy, like I have always wanted to do. I'm looking forward to finding out.

I'm ready! 

It’s hard to say

I know I need to blog something, but I can’t think of anything to say. I am at a loss for words. Some days I can write and write, and other days I just can’t think of a thing to say.

We went to the wedding recently of Chloe, a young woman who had lost a brother and a sister. I did not know Jessica, her older sister, but she died in 2008, the year before I met TJ, her older brother. He was one of the students in our program where I work. TJ was a wonderful young man, and was destined to be a brilliant writer and journalist. He served as our college newspaper editor and was a great student and became a good friend. 

TJ never was able to get over his sister’s death I don’t believe. His loving parents tried their best to take care of him, but TJ ultimately died of an overdose. I had seen him a month before. He asked me for a letter to help with a job and he came into our office. I talked to him for at least and hour. He seemed happy and ready to move forward with his life. In a few weeks, he was gone. It was the last time I ever spoke to him. My heart was broken for Cholie and for her parents. 

We have become closer over the years and have comforted each other as best we can. His parents love their new son-in-law (a wonderful young man) and I am praying that they will be blessed with grandchildren like I have been. We were so glad to be a a part of the wedding celebrations, and to see some joy brought to this wonderful family. 

This photo of TJ at the wedding caught my eye and my heart. Rest well, sweet boy. 

Pity Party Part Deux

I'm retiring this June and I think I am having a bit of a pity party. I don't know if it is just me, or if I am feeling old and useless these days, but I feel like I am a waste of everyone's time at work.

I have been feeling like this for a while now, but yesterday was a great example. I thought I was helping someone, and all they did was reject everything I said and did and act mad at me for basically existing and being there. At least that is how I felt. I finally, out of pure frustration, walked away.

I imagine they feel like I am a burden on them or maybe they think I am just old and they have to tolerate me until I go away,  but as for me, I do not feel like a valuable part of my staff anymore. My thoughts and ideas don't matter and I have nothing to offer. So I have decided not to comment or offer ideas or thoughts on anything. I'll answer when someone speaks, but my days of being a part of the conversation are over, in my opinion.

Just trying to do my work to the best of my ability and then moving on to what is next with my wonderful husband and family.

I will say that the prospect of being singled out for a retirement reception or recognition scares me senseless and brings back feelings of how hard it was to be "in the spotlight" in this small town when my 18-year-old daughter passed away. It is not fun, and I don't like the prospect of it.

I never thought 'd be the old one and people would cease to treat me like I mattered. That is how I feel today, but maybe I am wrong and it is in my head. Pity party Friday.

Thanks for letting me vent, Internet. I feel better now.

I think I will follow that old adage I once learned: "My tongue within my lips I rein, for who talks much must talk in vain."

End of rant, Part 2.

Whew! We made it!

Well, another Christmas has come and gone and we made it through. That is 14 Christmases without Lauren, but the last seven have been better for us, since we gained a daughter-in-law and two granddaughters.

We made a trip to South Carolina and were happy to see and visit with our family and some dear friends. We really had a great time!

On the way back, stopped by the kids' house just in time to see our granddaughters playing with the gifts Santa had left for them and it was a wonderful time!

Our Christmas with the kids included a trip to our new trampoline park here in our hometown, where the girls had a ball. (I think their parents liked it pretty well too.)

For the last part of my time off, I decided to take on a project I had started and abandoned shortly after Lauren's death- I wanted to get our family photos organized. I am way behind in categorizing and putting them into albums, and that is one of my retirement "dream" projects-to get them into some semblance of order for my son and granddaughters to have in the future.

I had earlier abandoned this project because I think I started it too soon. It was extremely painful to look at photos of Lauren then, and it is not much easier now. I basically had to talk myself into it, and once I started, I was able to get through it. My husband, who recently retired, was with me this time, and we enjoyed looking at photos as I got them into their initial categories, so that I could put them into tubs, and later I will go back and really get them organized.

We laughed at a lot of the memories that came back, "marveled" over our hairstyles and clothes from the past, remembered family members who are no longer with us, paused over friends we have lost touch with and looked with wonder at our beautiful children as they grew and matured in these photos. I won't say there were not tears. There certainly were and I am sure there always will be.

I decided to share a few photos on this blog post. Looking forward to being able to share these photos with Rosemary and Vivian someday in the future.

I almost forgot what it was like to be a young mother.

One of my favorite photos of my Lauren and Aaron

Me at 16 practicing the piano at my childhood home.

My Rosie helping me sing "Silent Night" at mass this Christmas season. Behind
us is my son in the Communion line, getting a blessing for Vivian. 

I guess "Frank" and I were on a date back in the day.