Reflections on Rome (1 year later) and other things...

Wow. It's hard for me to believe it has been a whole year since my husband and I spent our anniversary in Rome. I still look longingly at our pictures and wish I was back there again. I do vow to go back one day, and he has come to grips with that I think.

I don't know exactly what happened to me when I was there, but I grew so much in my faith in the months leading up to the trip and since then, I don't quite know how to explain it. Now that is not to say I am anywhere NEAR where I really need to be faith-wise. Far from it. But I think learning about the travels of the apostles and the early Christians there in Rome and then going to the places St. Peter and St. Paul walked and where they lost their lives for the faith really left a profound impression on my soul.

I have busied myself since my trip watching every documentary and movie I can get my hands on about the apostles and the saints. I love the stories and have really enjoyed learning as much as I can. That is a never-ending process, however, I have discovered. I think I have exhausted Netflix and I'm going to have to look elsewhere for some more. I really would like to learn more about St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, and a plethora of the other saints I have not yet studied.

I haven't written in a while, so I really feel like I should talk about the other things that have been going on. Last I wrote, I was talking about Eric, who we lost in a horrible accident at the end of July. It really affected our little town and the people who loved him.

About a week after Eric died and was buried, I went to the cemetery to visit Lauren's resting place, as I do about twice or three times a month. I usually place purple and lavender flowers on her gravesite in August, in honor of her brother and sister-in-law. They had those colors in their wedding two years ago, and I did that then. Aaron and Anna seemed to like that idea, so a little tradition was born.

Anyway, I knew Eric was buried in the same graveyard, and I had heard that he was close to Lauren, but when I got there I discovered he is literally next to our family plots. I saw his wife Angie and daughter Christie a few weeks later and when I remarked on that, Christie smiled and said, "We chose that spot to be close to Lauren on purpose." Wow. That really blew me away. I visit him and my sweet little friend Hanna's baby son Hayden, who is also nearby, every time I am there. I know that those families visit Lauren too. It does me good to know that for some reason.

I had the opportunity in August to share with the Northwest Foundation board about Lauren's scholarship. One of Lauren's favorite teachers and her principal are both members of the board. I was thrilled to talk to them and tell her story to those who did not know her, and just to let them know, from the donor's standpoint, how much those scholarships mean to us. It was a great honor to be asked to do that. Our foundation does such great work and to be able to help a student in our daughter's name is very healing for us.

It is time for our scholarship ceremony and reception next Monday. We have a wonderful young man, Michael Wooten, as our recipient this year. He is a drummer who is studying Automotive Technology at the college. He was so happy to get the scholarship. I met him the day he got it and he told me he had seen Lauren's picture in the band room at school. He is really a snare drummer, and when they told him they needed him to play bass drum instead, he was happy to do so. Great kid. So we'll sit with him and get to know him, and tell him what a wonderful girl our Lauren was.

Michael and me at the band's debut "on the lawn" this August. 

It's that time again

Just when I think can handle May, it sneaks up on me to let me know I can't. I start hearing about things like graduations and Mother's Day and it starts to get hard all over again. I really should expect that, but I guess it is wishful thinking that I can get through it without a struggle. I can't.

This past Thursday was the ninth anniversary of Lauren's death. I struggled hard to get through that day.  I always fool myself into thinking that it will "be easier this year." It won't.

The good news is that even though I struggle, God provides me with support through the special people he has placed in my life. My sweet daughter-in-law sent me a text out of nowhere to tell me I was in her prayers. She sent one to my husband too. Then my husband surprised me with a beautiful vase of flowers at work. I posted those flowers on Facebook and my folks came a runnin'! They flooded me with messages of love and support and lifted me up. That didn't surprise me.  My sweet friend Dawn messaged me and made me feel so much better.

On Friday, Richard and I had the honor of attending the Rotary Club Scholarship luncheon to meet this year's recipient of the scholarship named in Lauren's memory. She won the scholarship two days before her death. It was a cash scholarship, so we returned it to the Rotary Club. Lauren had written an essay to win, and the second runner up was Lauren's best friend Brittany. Two weeks after we had attended the luncheon with Lauren, we attended it with Brittany. (Brittany, incidentally, is the mother of Lauren Grace, who was named in our Lauren's honor. We got to spend time with that precious family and hold little Lauren Grace last weekend!)

Last night we spent the evening with Dawn, our dear friend Michelle and my goddaughter Lacy and her brother Owen. Even though we waited forever at the restaurant, the company was exceptional.

Today was Mayfair in our little town. Nine years ago, it was the last thing Lauren and I did together. She and I had quite a wonderful day there that Saturday. It took me about 3 years to go back to Mayfair, but now it seems to bring me comfort to go and see friends there! My little godson John Thomas always runs up to me and gives me a hug whenever he sees me and today was no exception. He brings great  joy to my heart. I saw two of Lauren's classmates pushing their babies in their strollers today, and another classmate who has recently moved back to town walking with her parents. It was so sweet to see them again.

One of the highlights of the day was to see our Suzy, who lives next door. We are "Mammie and Pappy" to her. She is a sweet, sweet baby!

Last weekend we celebrated Mother's Day early with my son and daughter -in-law. They were unable to come up this weekend, but we had a wonderful time shopping and just spending time together!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I will celebrate with my church family as I do every Mother's Day. Although that fateful day 9 years ago fell on Mother's Day, it will be ok because I will be surrounded by the love of my friends, who are like family!

Lauren Grace and me.

My godson John Thomas and me.

Richard and me with Mallory, the 2013 scholarship winner, Kimbrely, the 2009 winner,
Bobbie, Mallory's mom and Parke, the Rotary president. 

My scholarship kids, and what they mean to me

 Aaron and Lauren in Las Vegas in 2003

Lauren's graduation photo

This Monday will be one of those bittersweet days for me. We will have our annual scholarship reception and banquet at the college where I work, and my daughter's scholarship recipients will be there with me at the reception. They are both very sweet kids. I have had the opportunity to get to know them a bit already. 

Hannah, a sophomore, is a soft-spoken young lady who had a terrible accident when she was in high school. Her sister graduated with my son, and her brother with Lauren. She made a full recovery, thank God. She is a section leader in the band, works part time, and maintains a good grade point average. She is very sweet and loving towards me. 

Ryan is a freshman. He is very active in his youth group and in the BSU at school. He is very polite and always friendly. He seems to be a very happy young man. 

I think back to when our scholarship was endowed and our first recipient was chosen. It was such a hard time for us, but looking back, I had no way to know how much happiness these young people would bring me back then. 

We have had great kids to receive our scholarship, and it makes me happy to know that we helped them in some small way. I have bonded with all of the kids who received the scholarship over the years. 

So I salute Amy (in law school now); Paxton (working on his Master's in Music), McGhea (working in his field of computer science), Jordan (still studying nursing) and of course Hannah and Ryan, still in school and still participating in our band. 

Monday, I will remember my sweet Lauren and be thankful that her memory remains alive in such a special way. 

I will remember you

I have said before that one of the grieving parent’s worst fears is that their child will be forgotten. I never knew that fear first hand until after Lauren died. That first week was overwhelming and surreal, yet somehow I knew I needed to do something to memorialize her. It was almost instinctive. We sat around my dining room table planning the funeral mass.  
As our beloved priest, Fr. Dermot, my friend John, who was minister of music at our church, and my husband and I began talking, I suddenly said, “I want to set up a band scholarship at Northwest Mississippi Community College for Lauren. I want it to be for a band student from her high school.”
The folks around that table understood my request. We are band people. Both of my children had been in band since 5th  grade. My son had gone to school at Northwest on a Fine Arts Scholarship for band. My husband and I were active band parents at their high school. We were both in our high school bands. I was in my junior college band. Band nerds, the lot of us.
 Our friend John, who is the band director at Northwest, immediately began to cry. His son is our godson. It seemed natural and right to me that this would be how we memorialized our daughter.
The response from the community, our friends and our family was tremendous. In a short amount of time, we had almost raised the $5,000 required for the endowment. Just before we reached the mark, a work colleague/friend of my husband’s sent a check for $5,000 from his office and the scholarship was endowed! Since that time, four students have attended Northwest using the interest earned on the endowment. It is a great feeling to know that we are helping students get their education, and they are remembering our Lauren every year! Meeting these young people and watching them perform with the Northwest band has been a blessing to us in so many ways.
So my advice to those parents who are grieving is to do something to memorialize your child. It won’t bring them back, but it will guarantee that they won’t be forgotten, and it might just make you feel better.