I couldn't find any purple flowers

Usually I try to put flowers for the liturgical season on Lauren's grave. I had some fall flowers with leaves and acorns that I put there in the beginning of October and thought, "I'll get some purple flowers for Advent."

Now Advent is pretty short this year for some reason. I thought I had plenty of time, but with folks coming for Thanksgiving, work, church, gym and football season, I let it get away from me.

I live in a small town with limited access to artificial flowers. I thought I was being smart by getting her Christmas flowers when they first came out. No purple flowers in either store I looked in at the beginning of Advent, though.

For some reason, this is bothering me. I know it is not important in the scheme of things, but I feel like I have let her down.

I'll make sure I get her flowers for Lent.

Even Christmas cards can be tough

I used to send a newsy Christmas card every year-full of all the things my kids were doing, and how busy our lives were. I think people enjoyed getting them, or at least I hope they did.

When we lost Lauren, I stopped doing that. I just couldn't do it anymore. I sent a card and tried to put a small note in it to people, but the wind had been knocked out of me, so I am sure my scrawly handwriting was probably not appreciated much.

Aaron grew up, and was gone and Richard and I had an empty nest. Not much to say in a quiet house sometimes. At least not many interesting things to say, in my mind.

I've come to grips with the newsletter thing now, but this year I decided to try something new. I got one of those pre-printed "photo" cards and Anna and Aaron were generous enough to let us put the grand babies on it. Now, over the years, friends and family have sent us pictures with their great-looking grandchildren, and I was always a bit envious, I must say.

So I decided to ask our kids if we could join in the fun. They said yes, so I found a design I liked with a religious theme, and set to work to get a photo of those two jewels. Over Thanksgiving, the girls dressed in the matching Christmas dresses we bought for them; we set them on our knees in front of our fireplace and Anna snapped a few good pics of us.

We are aware the dressing alike phase will pass quickly as they emerge into the little personalities they are destined to be, so we are enjoying this little phase, too. It did both of us good to think all the people on our Christmas card list will get a stunning photo of the girls and a pretty good photo of the old folks this year.

Rosie is getting to the age when Christmas is going to be fun again, and we can't wait to see how she enjoys all the little things about the season and what Santa gives her. We're excited about the gifts we have bought for both girls, and to see their little eyes light up gives me new hope.

For now, enjoy with us, these little blessings....

Happy Birthday, Lauren

Happy birthday, my sweet love. We miss you every day, but you are always in our hearts and on our minds. Our Lauren would be 32 today.

A house full of love

Thanksgiving has come and gone, but we had a wonderful week. Richard's brother and sister-in-law, niece and her husband and their little boy (age 20 months), his other daughter and our kids came to celebrate with us. We had a house full of people and a house full of love all week last week.

My sweet friend Michelle (who lives three doors from us) offered her house for the overflow of folks.   Cooking with my nieces and my sister-in-law was a lot of fun for me (I did what I could, as my sister-in-law is a wonderful cook and is in charge of the kitchen!) The guys were playing their guitars and singing and watching football together. It is the way it should be. Noise, mess and a lot of love.

The kids were running through the house and underfoot, but it was glorious.To see my Rosie and Vivian and their little cousin Hudson playing together and laughing did my whole heart good.

I can't help but wonder what Lauren would have thought about all of this. I am sure she would love every minute of seeing those babies, and would probably have had a couple of her own.

For us, everything we do is bittersweet. But instead of dwelling on that, we need to take the joy when we can get it, to be quite honest.

I am exhausted and my house is a mess, but I would not take one second back or have it any other way. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

I remember one time Lauren was watching "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and she turned to me and said, "Mom, this is our family!" Well, all I can say is "You were right, baby girl."

A piercing of the heart

I don't understand how, but even after almost 14 years without Lauren, my heart is still an open wound. I talked about how having those granddaughters puts my heart back together, and it absolutely does. Have you ever broken a vase, and glued the parts back together? It is still not exactly right even if you can find all of the pieces and glue them back together carefully. It is still flawed.

I forget sometimes that it is actually still a flawed heart. I had to go to the bank a couple of weeks ago to get a document we needed for insurance. It was in our safe deposit box, so I went in on my lunch hour to grab it and go.

Looking through the box, I ran across Lauren's death certificate, right there among the other documents like our marriage certificate, the kids' birth certificates, etc. There it was. I resisted the temptation to read it front and back because I knew I would be ruined for the day, but just seeing the words "certificate of death" was enough to do the job. At that moment, I felt like someone had basically shot an arrow that went straight into my heart. I was angry with myself for feeling that way, but I just could not help it. It nearly made me double over in pain right there in the bank. Thank goodness you are left alone in that room to check your box. I think I probably looked like I was dying at that moment.

I stood there fighting back tears, feeling like my heart was literally broken again. I composed myself as best I could and after getting the document we needed, I went out into the bank lobby again, smiling and thanking the lady who had helped me. Once in the car, I cried for a few minutes and then went back to work, surprised at myself and how fragile I really am. I thought I was strong, but I guess I was fooling myself.

How after all these years, can this wound be that fresh? I just don't understand. That pain was as real as the day we lost her. It took me aback, and it has taken me a while to recover. I learned that I have to just realize that it is not going away. Ever. It is a part of me that is here to stay, until that day that I am no longer here to stay.

I have done a lot of thinking about it since then. I have been trying to lull myself into thinking that I could learn to live with my loss, but the truth is, I can't. I just have to take it day by day and deal with that heart piercing wound when it bursts open unexpectedly as it did that day.

November is a hard month, as it is Lauren's birthday and then you have Christmas coming soon. I will just have to soothe that wound with the salve that is given to me-my faith, my family and my friends.

 Blessed are they who mourn,  for they will be comforted. Comfort me, Lord.

Another little miracle in our lives

We were blessed again in August of last year with the birth of our second granddaughter Vivian Sharon. She is very different from Rosemary, our 3 year old, but their uniqueness from each other is the most wonderful thing!

Vivian seems to be a little more reserved than our outgoing Rosemary is, but she has her own little personality that will enchant you. She loves cookies and playing. She tries to emulate her sister in some things, but in others, she has her own take on things.

Earlier in November, their grandpa and I had the opportunity to have them spend the night with us without their parents, who were gone to a friend's wedding. I had forgotten how much work it was having two little toddlers to look after. We had a ball with them that weekend. My favorite time was when Vivian called me "Mimi" for her very first time. She melted my heart right then and there.

It is amazing what these 2 little ones can do for a broken heart. They seem to be able to put pieces back that were missing. They cannot take Lauren's place, but they are like glue when you try to put something back together that was broken- it may not look perfect, but it still functions.

We look forward when we are with them and want to enjoy them all we can. I am grateful that they know us and love us, and I want to be the best grandmother I can to them. Grandchildren are like getting a second chance in life. I am so grateful to have them.

A barrel of humanity

When my husband and I take a driving trip we usually end up eating at a Cracker Barrel. The same was true on our last trip. The restaurant was very crowded that day, and since I am not a big fan of crowds, I really dreaded going in. We were pretty hungry since we'd been driving for several hours, so I thought I'd suck it up and just go on in there.

I usually don't like crowds. Sometimes it seems like everyone is always in a hurry or they don't have time for even a smile. No one says "Excuse me" or even acknowledges you when you say it. People seem to be less tolerant of people with small children, or someone elderly who moves slower than that person might think they should.

Right away, I noticed something. Even though it was crowded, people were really courteous and nice. I saw people smiling. I saw people holding doors open for others. I heard people politely asking if others were in line before they jumped up to the front.

My fear of crowds dissipated as I let myself relax and enjoy the positive for once. Even though we were tired, I felt much better when we got back in the truck to continue on our journey.

With all the negatives on the horizon lately, it was nice to have a little respite on the road.

We need to pray for our country, for each other and for ourselves, that we will remember that we are the hands of feet of Jesus. We can show him in a smile, in a kind word and in a small gesture.

"Without love, deeds, even the most brilliant, count as nothing.” ― Thérèse de Lisieux